Heart Of Glass                                         

By Nadja Lee                                     02/10/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.

Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.

Romance: Logan/Rogue,

Summary: Logan thinks about Rogue and why he had to leave

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,  have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@usa.net

Rating: R

Sequel/series: “Tears Of Silver” follows this story.

Dedicated to Sorcieré; for giving me the idea, for being such a wonderful friend and for just being herself. Thanks, sugah!

Part 1:

Saying goodbye is never easy. I’ve done it tons of times yet it still hurts. When I leave a gravesite it hurts but not as much as when I see their tearstained face and the sadness in their eyes. Gods, her eyes…those deep brown eyes…I swear had she said one more word, come just an inch closer…I would have stayed, caution be damned.

I want things to go back to being simple, to making sense but things haven’t made since to me for many years now. I had accepted my fate, what I am, what I do, how I live…alone. Then she entered my life; a smile, a plea I couldn’t ignore…. an Angel by heart and I know…. I’m her Devil in disguise…. she just doesn’t know it yet.

She is all I can never be, all I can never have, she’s goodness impersonated; she has the kindest heart and the gentlest soul I’ve ever seen. To see her is really to love her; those soulful brown eyes, the soft hair…the lips I can’t kiss………the hands in silk gloves…just the thought of her, just her whispered name in the wind and I want to turn back, I want her in my arms yet I know I can’t embrace her, I mustn’t.

Before I met her I didn’t believe in love anymore, I didn’t believe in hope anymore. But then she arrived and changed my religion. She *is* love, she is all I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of…and I’m leaving her behind. God damn it! I’m leaving her behind.

My life has been filled with battles, filled with blood, sweat and tears. I don’t want that life for her, I want her to be safe, I want her to grow old, and I want her to be able to see her children grow up and for her to be a grandmother. With me none of that would be possible.

I’ve lived many lives, told many lies but though my lips can lie my heart never could. I may not remember clearly what happened before my operation but that was also over 60 years ago. Since then I’ve been many men, many lovers…but in none of my lives did I find what I was looking for, because I didn’t find her. Now that I’ve finally found her…I’m leaving her.

I’ll do anything for her, anything at all…even leave her. She wouldn’t understand, like many of my loves before her she’ll look for me, long for me…and finally forget me. I’ll watch over her as I promised, from a distance I’ll come and I’ll see how she grows and changes while I stay forever the same. I’ll watch her get married and try to contain my jealousy, I’ll watch her play with her children and try not to feel the longing for those kids to be mine…and the worst of all, I’ll finally watch her grow old and die…and then I’ll bury her.

 I’ve loved before, many times yet never with the intensity that I do now. Then I didn’t know what lay ahead, what I had to look for, now I do. Now I know the dangers, which always finds me and which will always find my loved ones as well if not I leave them. I know because I’ve tried to stay with a woman I loved, Charlotte was her name…and I was forced to see her die in my arms. I vowed I’ll never be the cause of a woman I loved death ever again. And that vow I have kept to this day. I’ve tried not to fall in love; be hostile and distant…mostly it has worked but then there are those rays of light that shines through…like her and like…Anna. I met Anna in 1970 and we fell in love…and I left her. I watched her cry, I watched her curse me to a thousand Hells…and I watch her move on, love another man, have children…and die from cancer last year. I didn’t think I still held so much love in my heart that it could hurt so badly when I watched her be put to rest.

Then she came…. my Angel. The one woman I know I was meant to be with. My love for her doesn’t lessen my love for the others before her, nor the pain I feel over their deaths but the love I bear for her gets me through the day and survive the night.

I want what’s best for her; I want her to be happy. It breaks my heart to think that she might be crying right now because I left but at least as long as she’s crying, she’s alive. To do as I most want, to take her with me, would only put her life at risk. I would be able to protect her for a few months but I have powerful enemies and sooner or later one of them would get to her…and I would have to bury the woman I love. Would those few months of happiness we could have together justify her death? No, never. Nothing can justify that. I’ll do anything at all, kill anyone, destroy anything…I’ll even beg and plea for her…and I’ll leave her...all to keep her safe.

She’s an Angel, my most precious jewel, perfect in everyway and that’s the memory of her I’ll carry in my heart and mind for all time. Were I to take her with me she’ll see what I’ve seen, she’ll see the broken bodies, graves, blood running warm down my hands as I kill another one…maybe one day I’ll hear her neck break in my hands as I heard Charlotte’s…and my world would crumble and fall and I’ll wish to join her in death but that I’m forever denied. Eternity alone is eternity in Hell when I have to live without her by my side.

She’ll always be my Angel but if I take her with me…I could easily become her Devil. I could become the death of her even as I swore to protect her…and I won’t do that again; never again will my hands kill a woman I love. Ever. I’ll keep the vow I made her. I’ll protect her from everyone, even myself.

Summers were right; I’m a danger to all around me and I’m not to be trusted. Hell, I wouldn’t trust me so why should they? I’ve killed too many to care, I’ve seen too much blood, felt too much pain to let it bother me…but her pain, her screams cut my heart in two…her pain and only hers can be mine. Her, I’ll fight for and die for…even if that mean’s I’m to leave her.  

I stayed with her as long as I could but today I had to leave. I came up with an excuse about wanting to find my past but I could see that Summers knew something was up; probably why he gave me his motorcycle; to make sure I was far away so his students were save when all Hell broke loss. If I have to leave her any place unprotected I’ll rather it is with them than anywhere else for if nothing else I know Summers and his team will protect all the students with their lives. Preferable I want to always be able to be there for her but that is impossible even for me but I shall always be there for her; watching in the shadows and maybe that’s the only place in her life where I belong; in the shadows.

It is happening soon, I can feel it. I speed up on the motorcycle and hope to be way clear off any town but I know I have no control over this; they call and I come; they command and I do…I’m nothing but a weapon for them to use; I have no control over my actions but I see it all, I feel it all…their screams, their begs for mercy…. the red blood on my hands, my hands…. my whole body covered in red. Gods; I do utterly HATE that colour!

I don’t know how it works, I don’t know how to stop it and believe me; I’ve tried. All I know is that all I touch, all I hold in my arms, in my heart; I end up destroying…I can’t do that to her, I refuse to put her through that. She will live, I’ll see to that. She’ll live a long and happy life…she will, she has to…for if not…how can I ever live with myself and the choice I made for her today?

My love, my heart, I already miss her so much. Her smile would lit up the room, the way she trusted me completely…no one has ever done that before, the way she’ll lay her life in my hands without hesitation, the way she trusted me with her heart…the way her warmth would chase away some of the darkness in my soul and the coldness in my heart…whoever said that memories can be such sweet torture were right.

It is appropriate that her name means “Star Of The Sea” because she’ll always be my star, my unreachable star that shines so brightly, is so full of warmth that you long to touch it yet knows that it is forbidden, the way just a few seconds in it’s glow makes the whole world seem right. Yes, she is my star of the sea for without her I’m a ship without its captain, drifting aimlessly at sea, lost without its guiding light…. my star, my beloved star, how I long for her touch.

Will she understand the decision I made today? Will she forgive me? Her name also means “Sea Of Bitterness” but by God I hope that it’s a name she’ll not live up to. But fear and doubt are in my heart. In my haste to protect her, protect both her life and her innocence could I have destroyed her…made her into someone I wouldn’t be able to recognise? A bitter woman with no warmth in her heart and no life in her eyes? Let it not be so. Just for once; let me have done the right thing; let me win…just this once.

I feel control slipping and suddenly I’m driving towards an unknown destination and I know; tonight I’ll kill again. I just hope that as I feel one person’s heart still I’ll always know that hers will beat with as much warmth and love as when I first met her. For once, don’t let me have corrupted what I touched. 

My body keep moving though I try to stop it. I don’t know why I keep fighting for control; since my operation this has happened too many times to count and always I lose the battle of wills. As I feel my claws break the skin I pray that she is safe. I drive towards a house and think of her; call her image to me. I enter the house and break into the bedroom; a man and a woman scream and try to get away. I want to close my eyes as I see my clawed hands aim at the man but I can’t. He leans over the woman to protect her with his body and I know had that been my love; I would’ve done the same and that is why I had to leave. I’m forced to watch as my claws enter his chest as easily as a knife through butter. I look into his eyes frozen in fear and shock and I wish I could still cry for the death I’ve caused. I redraw my claws and he falls to the floor; his chest coloured red. I look at my hands, they’re turning red; no matter how often I wash my hands I can’t seem to be able to remove those red spots; they hunt me wherever I go.

My claws reappear and I fight to redraw them but can’t. My hands aim at the hysterical woman. Shit, I hate being forced to kill women; women or children. Their eyes, their pleas hunt my nightmares forever. Luckily she has red hair; had she had brown hair I would have died if I could. In my mind’s eye I see my darlin’ before me as the woman joins the man on the floor, blood running out her mouth and her body lying in an awkward position. I try to only think of my Angel, of her smell, her laughter, her sweet accent, the feel of her gloved hands on mine, the feel of her hair, the way she felt when I held her, the trust and warmth in her eyes…. and I walk away from the house and drive off.

I feel control return to me and I have to pull over to catch my breath for a while. Damn them to Hell…them whomever they are who make me do this. Damn them! My hands are covered in blood and my shirt and pants are also stained with blood so I drive to a cheap motel and get a room to change. This life is what I’m sparing her for; this is why I left her behind. Maybe one day she’ll see it’s for the best…even as it’s breaking my heart…even as I feel I’m dying inside.

She will never know how much I love her, how much she means to me and maybe that’s for the best. It’ll pain me beyond words to see her in another’s embrace but better that than to visit her gravesite. No, it is better she doesn’t know what I feel for her. It is better this way. It is better this way…it is safer this way.

But it isn’t what I want, it isn’t what I wish for, it isn’t what I long and dream for…that is her, only her….

Marie…

My beloved…

Rogue…

 

The End