In Mourning                                                 By Nadja Lee                                     26/11/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie

Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.

Romance: Logan/Rogue

Summary: The pain of losing a loved one…

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,  have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG-13

Sequel/series: None

Author’s Notes: I know this has been done before but I had to write this.

Dedicated to Bani with all my love. You’ll live on in my heart forever.  I love you.

Part 1:

We buried him today. A ceremony makes everything seem so much more…. final. No hope anymore, no more pretending he’ll suddenly reappear and tell me it was all a joke. I’m usually good at pretending; pretending I can touch, pretending I’m normal…pretending he’s still with me. But now my illusion has fallen; cut down by the minister’s words and a single red rose on a wooden coffin.

I always figured I’ll have time to tell him what he means to me; how he held my heart in his hands. I figured I had time…now, I have none. All the plans we made; for tomorrow, next year…. our future…. all gone. Lost forever in the mist of time.

I don’t know what feeling is worse; anger or sadness. I’m angry; angry at the world for keep existing now that he’s gone, angry at myself for not being with him, angry at the minister for preaching words of hope when there’s none left…angry at him for dying…and leaving me.

Sadness, tears in the rain, a cold wind blows over me. Sadness, coldness in every cell of my body like a piece of me is gone, lost and broken. I feel his absence like a knife in my heart, like a fire in my body, eating me up alive. I feel like I shall die yet I don’t. I want to die but I don’t. I never knew I could feel this much pain and still live though I’m not sure I’ll call this Hell living.

I’ll do anything to undone the last five days. Anything at all. I’ll sell my soul, my body and heart if only he would live again; breathe again. Please anyone, just tell me what to do to get him back and I’ll do it. Anything at all. Why don’t you answer me?! Answer me, Goddamn it!

I can’t believe you’re really gone; I don’t want to believe it. I loved you so much…did I ever tell you so? Did I ever make you understand just how much you meant to me? Did I? Then I was sure I had; now I think I never did. I begin to question everything and wish I could do it all over again to do it a little better, a little longer.

Love is such a painful word. Pain…God, like thousands of needles stuck into my body, like an open fire I have to walk across, like a knife in my heart…. I can barely breathe, I can barely move. If I try to speak I find I can’t. When I try to focus I find I can’t; my eyes are clouded by tears and my heart is clouded by pain. I feel like my legs are breaking under me and I’m falling 1000s of feet towards the ground, with no one to catch me.

I miss you so much. I’ll always miss you. Your death has left a void in my heart no one can ever fill. They say time heals all wounds; I hope they are right for if not then I know I’ll not live through this year.

I wish there was someone to blame for your death. Someone, anyone I could let my frustration go out on; an enemy, a war…even a system. But there are none. I thought you were unbreakable but now I see even the strongest can fall…

I want to scream out my pain to the Heavens, I want to know why. Why the one I loved? Why not the neighbour? Anyone else? Anyone else…. please, anyone else.

These last days have been a nightmare but at least before today I could still pretend it was just that; a bad dream. Now, I have nothing left. Nothing. I feel so alone and cold…like someone has killed the sun and drowned the stars…forever.   

I’ll always carry his memory with me in my heart and pray that he really is in a better place. If nothing else than because I need to believe that.

I just hope my love for him will be enough to carry me through the long, cold years to come and that one day, somehow…. we’ll meet again.

 

Please, let us meet again.

 

The End