On Loss And Immortality                                                 by Nadja Lee           07/09/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.

Universe: Set in the movie universe.

Romance: Rogue/Logan

Summary: Logan thinks about losses and his future…

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,  have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG

Sequel/series: Comparison piece to “On Touch And Mortality”

Dedicated to Mie. I shall pray for you and hope to see you again in good heath. I’ll always love you.

*mmmm * is telepathically thoughts spoken in the mind. “ mmmmm ”  is spoken out loud.

 

Part 1:

I hate graves, I hate them. Yet here I stand before another one. It’s not so bad though for Marie is by my side only she’s crying so much, so very very much. I wish I could ease her pain, do something. I can take anything, anything, but her tears. Every tear that falls breaks my heart in two.

“ Don’t cry, darlin`,” I whisper and pulls her close to me. We stand side by side outside in back of the Mansion, a plain cross in front of us. I’ve always thought it was ridiculous to put crosses on graves, in ancient Rome they were used to torment people with then why use them as symbols for “eternal life”?

If it had been anyone but Marie I’ll have found it endlessly stupid to stand in the rain before a grave made for a cat. But for my Marie I’ll do anything.

I had come back 5 months after I had left for Canada and she had been waiting for me just like I had hoped she would. Though I left mostly to find my past it was also because I needed to know my own feelings for Marie and hers for me. I knew that if she waited for me...she felt the same. We were together for 12 years; we shared a room in the mansion and a bed where I’ll hold her clothed body close to mine. We were married in anything but name. I had asked Marie to marry me several times but she had kept avoiding the subject, saying I deserved someone I could touch, someone who could bear my children. But I never wanted anyone but her.

I noticed how sad she got when she by accident killed one of Ro´s plants and though both her and Scooter told her it was alright, she was depressed for days and nothing I did seemed to help. Of all of us she has the worst mutation and I figured it was time I tried to ease that loneliness I knew she felt. So, I went hunting. I stayed in the woods for days, looking for just the one thing, the one living being that would brighten my love’s days. Scooter had made a fancy thing for me; it would blink green if the living being had a mutation like Marie’s and red if not. It reminded me of a pencil with a miniature lighthouse on top but it worked. I knew Marie’s mutation is very rare as Scooter’s is, not like telepathy and telekinesis, which are some of the most common mutations, but I still searched for just one, just one, more living being with the power of my Rogue. Finally I found her; a small, lost silver kitten. She looked half dead and fury boiled in me as I knew some uncaring family had cast her away simply because they had tired of her. Making sure my hands were covered I lifted the kitten up and brought her home to Marie. Never have I seen her smile so much. When she found she could touch Logi as Marie had called her, after me by the way which I was rather proud of, she threw her arms around me and kissed me again and again through her shawl.

It was incredible to see how Logi changed her; made her happier. She would always have a smile on her lips and when an accident happened like one time in bed she accidentally touched my skin, she could handle it. Before she’ll stay away from me for weeks, afraid to come near me in fear she’ll hurt me again. My Marie was happy so, so was I.

But everything ends, everything dies. I know this better than most. I’ve killed more people than I care to remember and I’ve buried more people than any man should. Over the years my memories have slowly begun to return and I now know that the experiment done on me was sometime during WW2. I think the Nazis had captured me, as I can’t see myself as the patriotic self-sacrificing person who’ll volunteer for an experiment like what was done on me in any life or time. It was only the time of my experiment, the why, how and who which I couldn’t remember when I first met Marie. I’ve always been able to remember from 1944 and forth. I remember I fought on D-day, I fought in Korea and finally in Vietnam. That was the last war I was a part off; not only because it was getting harder and harder to use false IDs but also because that war took away the last illusions I’d had about people.

Love is no stranger to me though I’ve never known love like what I feel for Marie. But I was married once before. Her name was Maria, a French resistance fighter. I met her during the Invasion; she took care of me and I of her. I was very confused and disorientated at that time, didn’t even know any of my names at all. She helped me remember my name and the world and I protected her. It was so easy to fall in love and I think we both needed it after what we had been through. Maria’s parents had been shot as traitors to Hitler’s rule and the Gestapo had once captured and tortured her; we both had great pain in our lives but together we succeeded in easing it a little. I thought it would last forever but it didn’t; nothing ever does. She died in 1954, only 9 years after we had married and with her our 7 year old son; Pierre. We had been on a cruise sailing from France to England. The ship wrecked and everybody drowned. I tried to get to Marie and Pierre but we were separated by the panicked masses. The last I ever saw of her was as she reached out a hand for me and called my name while the masses pulled us apart. We all drowned that day; I did too only I didn’t die, I never die. To loose a wife is terrible but to loose a child is the worst thing in the world. A father shouldn’t outlive his children yet I did; I always outlive them all.

In Marie I’ve found hope again; I’ve found love again. Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. But I know our time is limited or rather her time is limited; I’m stuck here forever and without Marie I can imagine no greater Hell.

Things change, they always do; only I remain the same. Marie has grown older but if it weren’t for the New Year celebrations I wouldn’t have noticed. She’s as beautiful to me today as she was when I first saw her. She’s still a woman-child by heart and I love her for it. She has seen the worst in men, she has seen the best in men and through it all she has stayed true to herself; true to her heart and that’s the part I love most about her; her heart, her mind; her personality. She’s the only one who truly understands me; when I’m tired of all these battles and the war that will never end, she makes sense of madness when my sanity hangs in the balance. She always seem to understand even when I loose my way and with the love I see in her eyes and hear in her words I know I must have done something right to be allowed to hold a treasure such as her in my embrace at night. Now and forever; my heart will always be hers…only she doesn’t have forever and I dare not even think the thought of a life without her; so cold it’ll be, so cold I’ll be. Cold and alone.

 Things have also changed at the Mansion. The professor died some years ago and Scooter took over the school after him. Though Xavier and I were never close his death reminded me of Marie’s mortality and my own immortality. Ro married Scooter 2 years before I married Marie so their little baby girl was at our wedding. Though she hid it well, I could see and sense Marie’s longing for children of her own, especially as time goes by. The first time I saw her sad because of the kids I wanted to kill the little buggers to make her happy again but Marie didn’t like that idea. I went to find Logi for her instead and as always when she felt Logi´s soft skin against her own she smiled again and therefore so did I.

Life and death…all a part of nature. Or so it is said but if I could have Marie with me forever I’ll gladly kill anyone to do so. No matter how much I don’t want it to happen she is growing older and one day I’ll be forced to leave her. I gave her a promise long ago; I promised I’ll always protect her and that I’ll always be there for her. The day we wed I resaid that vow to myself; I will never leave her. I’ll hold her in my arms, I’ll ease her pain and her suffering, I’ll protect her with my life and love her forever…way beyond her death.

Whoever said they wanted to live forever is either a fool or drunk; probably both. There is no greater curse than going through life alone. To have felt love and see her fade away and die; to be so helpless, to be unable to stop her from dying knowing this is one place where you can’t follow, where you can’t protect her... 

But I can; I can follow her. Jeannie is still studying biochemistry and stuff like that in the basement, she never married and though I wouldn’t even wish Scooter with that Ice Queen I do feel sad for the loneliness I’m sure she must feel…somewhere. Jeannie examined my mutation along with the others of cause. She found that Scooter’s eye beams was the only thing what could destroy the small part of my metal claw I had given her to look at. In other words, Scooter could kill me with a stare as the only person I know. His beams can destroy my skeleton and burn away my flesh; even my healing factor won’t be able to heal that.

As I heard that I vowed that if Scooter outlived Marie, I’ll do anything; anything from asking to threatening Ro or his kids to get him mad or sympathetic enough to kill me… for who wants to live forever…alone?

My thoughts return to the present and I see Marie shiver. I take off my jacket and put it around her shoulders. 

“ Here, lov`, “ I say softly.

“ Thanks,” she whispers and try to smile through tears. I nods and closes my arms around her, pulling her close.

I wanted so badly to find another Logi for her to keep her happy but I couldn’t find any and believe me; I searched everywhere. Logi was special, I guess, in more ways than one.

In time…in time Marie will get used to no touching again but God how I wished she didn’t have to get used to it. The hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn is that I can’t always protect her, no matter how badly I want to. Maybe in time I’ll also learn to accept this…. maybe…though I doubt it.

 

The End