Tears Of Silver                                          By Nadja Lee                                     06/10/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Disclaimer: “Bitch” was sung by Meredith Brooks and written by M. Brooks and S. Peiken and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.   

Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.

Romance: Logan/Rogue,

Summary: Rogue isn’t just gonna let Logan walk out on her!

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,  have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: R

Sequel/series: Comparison piece to “Heart Of Glass”

Dedicated to Sorcieré; for being such a wonderful friend and for just being herself. Thanks, sugah!

Part 1:

He’s leaving?! Just like that? I watch him speed up and drive away from the school on Scott’s motorcycle and want to run after him but contain myself.

Shit! This wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen! I wasn’t supposed to fall for Logan and he wasn’t supposed to still breathe! I walk with fast steps to my room, the air of confidence and determination makes the other kids mover out of my way…that and they are afraid of me as all Hell. I reach my room and throw myself on the bed. Okay. Logan is gone. I have to think. What shall I do now?

This was supposed to be an easy job; bring him back or kill him. God damn it; I wasn’t supposed to fall for the man I was sent to capture or kill! Have I totally lost my mind?! Apparently for I’m seriously considering going after him. Oh, but that’s nonsense. What kind of life would we have? And if he finds out the truth…will we even have a life together? He sees me as his Angel but what will he say when he finds out…I’m his devil in disguise?

It wasn’t all a lie. Not all of it. I was born in Mississippi, I do still have the thoughts of that first boy I kissed in my head and I did travel the road for 3 months. But that wasn’t when I met him. I was captured, taken to a secret centre…and trained. Trained to use my mutant powers to kill. I’m perfect for them; they can send me in anywhere and all I have to do is kiss the guy and he dies. At first I refused of cause. In the beginning they had all these arguments about doing my country a favour, that their project “Weapon X”, was important to the national security…national security my ass. They are a sick bunch and proved it when they “convinced” me to kill for them with their torture techniques---which were highly inventive by the way.

 I was at the centre for 5 years. 5 very long years. In the beginning I thought of escape but when I saw how impossible that was my dream for freedom was quickly killed…killed in all the blood I saw…that I spilled myself. They started to make me kill with my powers, by kissing the target. That was hard because for weeks I’ll have another’s life and memories in my head…but when I was send to kill by shooting people or worse by slicing their throats I wished the kisses back. At least I didn’t get the blood all over me…but though there was no blood I still felt dirty.

Compassion, regret and remorse fades. You can only hold so much pain in your heart before it hardens…as mine did. You can only cry so many tears before your eyes run dry. I stopped loving; I stopped caring; I just killed. No mercy, no regret…no feelings. I was good at what I did. Maybe too good. I was given the “Logan files”. Logan was the first mutant captured by “Weapon X”. They experimented on him, tried to make him a super-soldier. They succeeded there but he was uncontrollable so they implanted a chip in his brain; kinda a small computer. When they want him to kill they’ll simply activate the computer and he can’t control his own body. However the control has a limit and can only make him do one thing; kill. It can’t make him go back to the Centre. “Weapon X” has tried to find him for the last 60 something years. They had just gotten a hot tip that he was in Canada…and that was where I came in.

They knew Logan have a weakness for women, beautiful women, so I was chosen to go. I was sent to Canada for the one purpose; to meet Logan and then either capture or kill him. To gain his trust I took on the role of Marie, as the young scared girl I had been 5 years ago.

I had him right where I wanted him. I could have killed him several times. Why didn’t I? Why did I hesitate? I’ve never hesitated before. Was it his eyes? That we had gone through some of the same terrors at the Centre though he didn’t know that? Did I see something in him that fascinated me? Did I find the pure soul in him that I had lost myself?

I’m still not sure why I played this game for so long. I was longing for something I guess. I wonder; did I find it? Logan loves Marie; I’m sure of that but will he also love Rogue? I’m no Angel, I’m no saint…will he love me all the same? Why do I want him to? Why do I care?

Because I love him of cause! He did what I thought impossible. He made me dream again, he unfroze my heart, and he breathed life into my dead soul. But the greatest gift he brought me; was the ability to cry; all those tears of silver I had frozen up inside of me. Through the few weeks we’ve had together he saved my life several times and done more for me in that short time than any man have ever done for me in my entire lifetime.  

So, that’s settled. I love him. Then I can’t kill him. I can’t bring him back to the Centre either; they’ll kill him, torture him or implant a chip into his head; one he can’t get loose from. I can’t have my man being 10 feet under, a punching bag or a zombie…I’m going after him. The Centre can go to Hell for all I care. They’ll come for me, for us both and so what? I don’t care. I want him and I will have him. I have no chip in my head; they have no control over my body while I’m on the outside. But Logan has a chip…they’ll try and make him kill me as they did that other girl of his…but there’s a difference; I know how they think, how they act and I can take care of myself. I can just knock him out or tie him to the bed until the chip’s influence wears off. How hard can it be?

I go through my bag with clothes; not much in it. Kitty gave me some clothes but they aren’t my style. Where are my damn clothes? I search the bag. Oh, there. I pull out my black leather pants, the black blouse, black leather gloves, the metal armband and collar and the black nail polish and lipstick. Yes, this is I. Not all these cutie stuff. That’s Marie. Rogue…I find my long black boots to match; this is Rogue. I believe in clothes matching the person underneath and I’m what these clothes say I am; I’m dark, I’m dangerous, I’m lost…and I have issues enough to fill a spaceship. I quickly change clothes, put my diskman in my pocket and walk downstairs.

Damn, I need some wheels. I almost forgot that. I swear when I find Logan he’ll pay for making me chase him…a week of him and me locked in the bedroom should do the trick. Logan, bed…naked Logan and bed…sheets…candlelight…. okay, girlfriend, time out. Breathe in and out; that’s it. I need wheels to get to him first. I check my watch; it’s almost midnight. So that’s why I didn't run into any teachers or kids; they’re all asleep like good little heroes. Well, that should make things easier for me. I just steal a car key; preferable to a bike and I’m out of this Saint house.

I walk to the kitchen but stops as I see someone sitting in the dark. I automatically reach for my gun until I remember I wasn’t allowed to bring it on this mission. Instead I take up my knife I have hidden in my boot. If it’s that annoying Dr. Grey I swear I’ll kill her just for the Hell of it. She annoys the shit out of me. Well, most people do but she do it more than most. I tiptoe into the kitchen, trying to sneak up on the person who has his back turned to me.

“Why are you up, Marie?” Scott’s voice asks, his back still turned at me. I stop my way towards him in shock and put my knife back in my boot. Damn, he’s good. I underestimated him; a critical error that could have cost me my life.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I lie. Great; stopped by the boy scout himself. So, what now? I could knock him out and search for the keys or I could ask him. He did help save my life at the Statue and all; I gather I owe him to at least ask.    

“Me neither,” Scott says and turns towards me. He raises an eyebrow as he sees my very changed look. My eyes clearly dare him to comment on it. “Trying out a new look?”

“More going back to an old one,” I answer truthfully enough. Logan I can figure out, Ororo also, even Jean I can get though she’s a bitch but this man…I’ll never figure him out. I expected him to at least show just a little shock and displeasure.

“You didn’t come down here for the scenery,” Scott says and drinks from the cup of coffee in front of him.

“No, I didn’t. I want the keys to a motorcycle.”

He didn’t beat around the bush so neither do I.

“Logan got mine, we have no others.”

“Damn,” I swear and cross my arms over my chest, trying to think. Scott smiles at me.

“You’re going after Logan, aren’t you?”

I can’t hear on his tone what he feels about that and his eyes are as covered as always.

“Yes, I am. Why? You have a problem with that?”

“No. You seem more than able to take care of yourself…Rogue,” he nods towards my boot with the knife in it and the fact that he uses Rogue to me don’t go unnoticed by either of us. He empties his coffee cup and stands up.

“ Come with me,” he more orders than asks when he passes me and though my first instinct is to say he can go fuck himself I follow him. He takes me to his office and turns on the lights in the room. He goes to his drawers and takes out a gun.

“Does the Professor know you have that?” I ask, a catlike smile on my face.

“No, and now he’ll never know,” he checks the weapon for bullets and give it to me. I take it and checks the bullets myself before I put it in my waistband behind my back. I seriously doubt he’ll have given me that weapon if he knew just how capable I am with it. Just how many I’ve already killed. Too many to count.

“I’m not gonna hurt him…even if the worst happens; I’ll not kill him,” I say as he walks back to the kitchen and I follows him. He nods.

“ The gun was for protection; yours and his.”

He opens a drawer in the kitchen and there are all the car keys. He takes out a key and throws it to me. I catch it.

“It’s for my Harley,” he says. So, he lied before; he has more bikes. I must have looked very surprised for he actually laughs at me.

“Bikes interest me and what the Hell? Logan already has my modified bike; you can just as well match.”    

I laugh as he expects of me and he walks me to the garage where he takes the bike out for me. It is a real beauty. I wonder why he would want to give it to me for he must know; I have no intention of returning it to him.

“I don’t expect you to bring her back; just be good to her and…live a long life,” Scott says softly as I get on the bike almost as if he has heard my thoughts.

“Thanks,” I say softly and find I really mean it for the first time in 5 years.

He hands me the helmet but I just take it and throw it back into the garage. I like the wind in my hair; makes me feel free.

“Be safe,” he says as I turn on the engine.

“You too,” and again; I actually mean it. I reach over and shake his hand with my gloved one. As I slowly drive towards the front gate and he walks besides me I remember something I want to tell him.

“Oh, and Scott?”

“Yeah?”

“Do me a favour?”

“What?” there’s slight amusement in his voice.

“Get rid of that cold ice queen you call girlfriend and find someone new. Like ‘Ro. She has a good eye for you,” I grin at his sheepish expression.

“She really likes me?”

“Would this face lie?” I try to give him an honest face but with black lipstick and black clothes that’s a bit hard.

“Yes,” he laughs and I smile. He isn’t so dumb after all. I hope he takes my advise and gets rid of the ‘good’ doctor before he gets frostbite from having to hold her at night; if she even lets him get that close which I doubt.

“Bye,” I speed up and I’m out the gates. As I turn my head I can see Scott waving at me before he turns to go back into the mansion.

Now, I need to find Logan but he shouldn’t be too hard to find. He only has a few hours head start. I’ll find him, I’ll find him. I always get my man and this one I sure as Hell have no intention of letting go. After I’ve stopped for a short rest I put my diskman on and turn up the volume as I drive off to find the man who has stolen my heart and taught me how to feel again, taught me how to cry again…

 

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing
 
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
 
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way 

 

 

The End